Peeking Out Of My Chrysalis

Eeeeeck too many changes, too fast. I now understand why caterpillars make a chrysalis and hide while they are changing. It's tough to be out and about as you change. Change makes you vulnerable, like a crustacean who's new shell is soft and unfinished.

I feel so different. I look different. I don't recognize myself in the mirror, I weigh less than I have in 30 or so years. I've been working on the weight for the past year but it feels like my body has changed drastically in the past month or so. I am very happy about it but I also feel awkward. I don't know what to wear anymore. Sometimes it takes 3 or 4 sets of clothes before I feel comfortably dressed to leave the house. Shopping for new clothes is a challenge too, I find myself wandering in the plus-size section and I'm no longer a plus size person. Styles I loved no longer look right on me. It weird and disconcerting.

I like most of the attention my weight loss gets me. I'm vain what can I say. But I'm only comfortable being in the spotlight for so long and haven't quite gotten the knack for turning this attention aside when I've basked enough.

What I can do is different now too, my new knees are bringing back into my life so many things that I loved to do but let go of. I can walk, dance, bike, canoe, reach my toes easily and cross my legs. I celebrate every time I do them, but since I am now physically capable I have more responsibilities than I did when my knees wouldn't take it. Like doing barn chores, working on the house, or catching up on projects that slid while I was getting my new parts installed. It's all good but it's a big change from sitting on my ass all the time and takes some adjustment. (I know, I know, get over myself and quit whining already!)

Now I'm looking at riding my horse again. I've had him since he was 6 weeks old, he is now 22. He is broke to ride and drive but hasn't done anything but eat grass for many years. Both of us will need a lot of work before I can climb up on him again. He is big baby and a bit spooky. I'm a big baby and easily scared too. I didn't ride him when I got so heavy because my knees were miserable and I didn't feel safe. I hope I learn to feel safe and strong now because I have no more excuses ( I'm even 20 lbs under the goal weight I had set myself for starting to ride again). I've got a date on Fri to go ride a friend's horse in an arena to work on my seat and legs. If all goes well I will start to ground work Boots.

Thank goodness I haven't moved or divorced or gotten a new job... well I kinda did, a new job I mean. I've been teaching felting in some new places and I wrote my first felting article for money. And I did get a new tattoo.

Even good changes require time, energy and I'm learning that it takes courage too.